I normally wouldn't make this public for fear I'd get ridiculed for being ungrateful, be happy with what you have, blah blah blah..... but since I am not good about updating anyway, and I'm pretty sure no one reads this, and i have nowhere else to turn to or to vent, I'm just going to put it up here. And if people do read it, maybe they'll think twice before asking personal questions or posting things that maybe stick like a knife in other people.
I want to be a mom. Pretty much my whole life, all I've ever truly wanted was to get married, have babies, stay at home and do the whole housewife thing (minus the whole portrayal of housewives today, like the "real" housewives of orange county or wherever the heck they're filming) i wanted to be a good housewife. The kind like in 'Leave it to Beaver" or "I Love Lucy" where the wife cleans the house, cooks all the meals, raises the kids, and pampers the husband when he comes home after a long day of work. To me that would be my absolute dream. Well, and I've also wanted to make a difference in the world, and my career choice is just that: being a personal trainer. That way, I can still help people, make them feel healthy and strong, but at the same time be flexible with my schedule so I could still be at home to take care of my own family, and keep them healthy and strong as well. I have no desire to be a career-driven woman, being the sole provider or making tons of money. I do want to contribute to my family, but ultimately, I want to be that housewife that does the most important job in the world: being a stay-at-home mom. I can't think of anything more rewarding than that.
That's where my frustration comes in. Rob and I have been trying to have a family since the beginning of the year. And so far, it hasn't happened. I might be too impatient, but when it's been 8 months and still not even a smidgen of evidence showing that we're expecting is more than frustrating. It's demeaning, and makes me feel like the one job i have in this life, the one divine calling i have, I have yet been able to accomplish. I cannot for the life of me get a sign of life to show up in my body. And the worst part is? doctors are NO help. they keep doing the next thing, showing no sympathy to the fact that I have read yet another pregnancy test that blares out to me that horrible sign of negative. Even though it's a stick you urinate on, to me it screams "no you cannot have a child in there! you're a failure as a woman!" doctors have no sympathy, they're as faceless as the pregnancy test. my doctor, whom i see on a regular basis, seems to never remember the small detail that I only have one ovary. every week she looks for the other, and I have to remind her YET AGAIN that I've had an oopherectomy over a year ago. we don't know what the problem is. and everyday it's a struggle to get out of bed and put a smile on my face. everyday it gets harder and harder, every month that passes by where I have another period, physical proof that I am a failure as a woman to conceive a child with my husband.
I feel as though I have no support anywhere. Facebook is the devil. Everyday I get on and at least 1-3 people announce they're expecting. Or they felt a kick. Or they found out the gender. Or they bought the crib. Or they finally had the arrival of their baby. It is absolute torture!! It's as if someone is punching me in the stomach, or slapping me in the face, saying "you can't have this! not for you!" it's like dangling meat in front a dog but never letting the dog have the meat. I don't mean to harp on other women. I'm glad for their excitement, especially when it's a close friend of mine. I am happy for them. But at the same time, deep down, I feel more like a failure, more like I'm being punished, more like I don't get the things I want to enjoy. I can't talk to anyone about it either. Friends don't understand, they all had their children at the first go. and when they try to be sympathetic, it's just a pathetic attempt to cover up the fact that they have children and they feel bad for me. and what's the universal answer(s)? "oh it'll happen" "don't worry about it" "it'll be ok" or my favorite, "you don't want children yet anyway, enjoy the time while you can" don't tell me what the heck i want! if i didn't want kids I wouldn't be trying! Ive had my time, I've enjoyed my freedom! But i've had enough freedom, I want the next phase of my life. I want to care for something else other than myself. I want to enjoy that part of life. being carefree and having freedom to do what i want when i want and sleep and all that is great, but it's not fulfilling. I slept in til 10, big whoop! what did I get accomplished today? how lazy have I been? I don't want that, I want joy in looking at a child's face, to teach, to play, to kiss, to comfort, to laugh, to teach! oh i want to teach a child!
but instead, it's 'not my time.' what a horrible frustrating thing to understand! something i have obviously not yet mastered. and it's not fair. I've done my part, i was faithful. i go to church, i fulfill my callings, i attend the temple as often as i can. and yet still it's not enough. and I don't know why. and I probably never will.
So here's my advice and warning to all: DO NOT ask us about our children situation. In case you can't tell it's a touchy subject. Same goes for all couples who have been married long enough. You never know the situation. they're probably just like me, struggling to get through one single day without someone reminding them about it or asking "when are you gonna have kids?" "aren't you pregnant yet?" i'll tell you right now, nothing would please me more than to punch all those people in the face. sorry to be so blunt but it's true. I have a lot of anger built up inside me. I've had it with people. Everyone needs to mind their own business, whether if you're asking just to make conversation or simply curiosity, DON'T ASK.
