I normally wouldn't make this public for fear I'd get ridiculed for being ungrateful, be happy with what you have, blah blah blah..... but since I am not good about updating anyway, and I'm pretty sure no one reads this, and i have nowhere else to turn to or to vent, I'm just going to put it up here. And if people do read it, maybe they'll think twice before asking personal questions or posting things that maybe stick like a knife in other people.
I want to be a mom. Pretty much my whole life, all I've ever truly wanted was to get married, have babies, stay at home and do the whole housewife thing (minus the whole portrayal of housewives today, like the "real" housewives of orange county or wherever the heck they're filming) i wanted to be a good housewife. The kind like in 'Leave it to Beaver" or "I Love Lucy" where the wife cleans the house, cooks all the meals, raises the kids, and pampers the husband when he comes home after a long day of work. To me that would be my absolute dream. Well, and I've also wanted to make a difference in the world, and my career choice is just that: being a personal trainer. That way, I can still help people, make them feel healthy and strong, but at the same time be flexible with my schedule so I could still be at home to take care of my own family, and keep them healthy and strong as well. I have no desire to be a career-driven woman, being the sole provider or making tons of money. I do want to contribute to my family, but ultimately, I want to be that housewife that does the most important job in the world: being a stay-at-home mom. I can't think of anything more rewarding than that.
That's where my frustration comes in. Rob and I have been trying to have a family since the beginning of the year. And so far, it hasn't happened. I might be too impatient, but when it's been 8 months and still not even a smidgen of evidence showing that we're expecting is more than frustrating. It's demeaning, and makes me feel like the one job i have in this life, the one divine calling i have, I have yet been able to accomplish. I cannot for the life of me get a sign of life to show up in my body. And the worst part is? doctors are NO help. they keep doing the next thing, showing no sympathy to the fact that I have read yet another pregnancy test that blares out to me that horrible sign of negative. Even though it's a stick you urinate on, to me it screams "no you cannot have a child in there! you're a failure as a woman!" doctors have no sympathy, they're as faceless as the pregnancy test. my doctor, whom i see on a regular basis, seems to never remember the small detail that I only have one ovary. every week she looks for the other, and I have to remind her YET AGAIN that I've had an oopherectomy over a year ago. we don't know what the problem is. and everyday it's a struggle to get out of bed and put a smile on my face. everyday it gets harder and harder, every month that passes by where I have another period, physical proof that I am a failure as a woman to conceive a child with my husband.
I feel as though I have no support anywhere. Facebook is the devil. Everyday I get on and at least 1-3 people announce they're expecting. Or they felt a kick. Or they found out the gender. Or they bought the crib. Or they finally had the arrival of their baby. It is absolute torture!! It's as if someone is punching me in the stomach, or slapping me in the face, saying "you can't have this! not for you!" it's like dangling meat in front a dog but never letting the dog have the meat. I don't mean to harp on other women. I'm glad for their excitement, especially when it's a close friend of mine. I am happy for them. But at the same time, deep down, I feel more like a failure, more like I'm being punished, more like I don't get the things I want to enjoy. I can't talk to anyone about it either. Friends don't understand, they all had their children at the first go. and when they try to be sympathetic, it's just a pathetic attempt to cover up the fact that they have children and they feel bad for me. and what's the universal answer(s)? "oh it'll happen" "don't worry about it" "it'll be ok" or my favorite, "you don't want children yet anyway, enjoy the time while you can" don't tell me what the heck i want! if i didn't want kids I wouldn't be trying! Ive had my time, I've enjoyed my freedom! But i've had enough freedom, I want the next phase of my life. I want to care for something else other than myself. I want to enjoy that part of life. being carefree and having freedom to do what i want when i want and sleep and all that is great, but it's not fulfilling. I slept in til 10, big whoop! what did I get accomplished today? how lazy have I been? I don't want that, I want joy in looking at a child's face, to teach, to play, to kiss, to comfort, to laugh, to teach! oh i want to teach a child!
but instead, it's 'not my time.' what a horrible frustrating thing to understand! something i have obviously not yet mastered. and it's not fair. I've done my part, i was faithful. i go to church, i fulfill my callings, i attend the temple as often as i can. and yet still it's not enough. and I don't know why. and I probably never will.
So here's my advice and warning to all: DO NOT ask us about our children situation. In case you can't tell it's a touchy subject. Same goes for all couples who have been married long enough. You never know the situation. they're probably just like me, struggling to get through one single day without someone reminding them about it or asking "when are you gonna have kids?" "aren't you pregnant yet?" i'll tell you right now, nothing would please me more than to punch all those people in the face. sorry to be so blunt but it's true. I have a lot of anger built up inside me. I've had it with people. Everyone needs to mind their own business, whether if you're asking just to make conversation or simply curiosity, DON'T ASK.
Thursday, October 25, 2012
Sunday, June 10, 2012
I'm not good at this updating thing
Well part of it is not a ton happens to us, and anything that does happen I never know is exciting to anybody else but us. Oh well, sorry if it's boring and sorry there's no pictures.
On a better note, things are going pretty well at the moment! Rob finished three more classes so far, two math classes and a psychology class which according to him, was full of psycho weirdos who had a few too many prescriptions. But the good news is, he passed all of them with A's! That makes straight A's so far! :D I'm so proud of him! He's had a few weeks off and will start another class, which will be really easy. It's a beginning spanish class (he spoke spanish on his mission so he better be able to pass this class with flying colors) :) After that he will probably take a break again until we can figure out if he'll stay with University of Phoenix, or switch to a school here, or wait and transfer to BSU when we move back to Boise. Still undecided at the moment... As for my schooling, I have three weeks left and I am DONE with personal training school!! :) I couldn't be more excited! It's been an amazing experience and I've enjoyed every minute. Not only have I learned about being a trainer, but about life experiences and helping people and life coaching. It's been amazing! I've loved it all, but let me tell you, it will be nice not have to be on-the-go all day everyday. Between school and work and working out, by the time it's the weekend I'm pretty tired. It's all been worth it though. And we're getting really excited to visit our families in Boise at the end of July! Two family reunions and spending a week and a half in Boise will be the perfect graduation/end of school present, and a perfect ending to what will probably be a wicked hot summer! It's already getting pretty sticky!
And our last bit of exciting news- we got a new apartment! :) Our current one has been a total disaster, between the noise, the heat, and things not getting fixed in a timely manner or making it look presentable, needless to say we're pretty fed up with the place. Our lease was still to the end of September but we figured we better look now so we could make sure we had a place to move to when our lease was up. We found a nice little complex in Lewisville, about 20 min North of where we're living now, and closer to Rob's work which will save in gas. The apartments are A LOT nicer than what we're living in now and it's a two bedroom instead of a one. We're scheduled to move in September 10! We're pretty excited :)
That's it for now, not a ton but still pretty exciting to us! We're excited to see where life takes us next!
On a better note, things are going pretty well at the moment! Rob finished three more classes so far, two math classes and a psychology class which according to him, was full of psycho weirdos who had a few too many prescriptions. But the good news is, he passed all of them with A's! That makes straight A's so far! :D I'm so proud of him! He's had a few weeks off and will start another class, which will be really easy. It's a beginning spanish class (he spoke spanish on his mission so he better be able to pass this class with flying colors) :) After that he will probably take a break again until we can figure out if he'll stay with University of Phoenix, or switch to a school here, or wait and transfer to BSU when we move back to Boise. Still undecided at the moment... As for my schooling, I have three weeks left and I am DONE with personal training school!! :) I couldn't be more excited! It's been an amazing experience and I've enjoyed every minute. Not only have I learned about being a trainer, but about life experiences and helping people and life coaching. It's been amazing! I've loved it all, but let me tell you, it will be nice not have to be on-the-go all day everyday. Between school and work and working out, by the time it's the weekend I'm pretty tired. It's all been worth it though. And we're getting really excited to visit our families in Boise at the end of July! Two family reunions and spending a week and a half in Boise will be the perfect graduation/end of school present, and a perfect ending to what will probably be a wicked hot summer! It's already getting pretty sticky!
And our last bit of exciting news- we got a new apartment! :) Our current one has been a total disaster, between the noise, the heat, and things not getting fixed in a timely manner or making it look presentable, needless to say we're pretty fed up with the place. Our lease was still to the end of September but we figured we better look now so we could make sure we had a place to move to when our lease was up. We found a nice little complex in Lewisville, about 20 min North of where we're living now, and closer to Rob's work which will save in gas. The apartments are A LOT nicer than what we're living in now and it's a two bedroom instead of a one. We're scheduled to move in September 10! We're pretty excited :)
That's it for now, not a ton but still pretty exciting to us! We're excited to see where life takes us next!
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
WARNING: CONTAINS POLITICS
There are two things that I never like to discuss in public: politics and religion. I know I should be more vocal about religion, setting an example for the church and all that, but mostly I don't like talking about religions among other people when I know there are people who dislike the church or are atheists. And I hate confrontation, so I avoid both topics at all costs.
But not tonight. Tonight, I watched a segment on Fox News about the elections, and frankly it stirred me up enough to remind me that I have a voice. I have a voice, an opinion, and I will use it, and I don't care who agrees or disagrees or makes fun of me for it. Not to mention I'm super P.O.'d because our AC isn't working and our apartment complex hasn't fixed it, among the six million other things they haven't fixed. So I'm all set for a political rant at the moment.
It's quite obvious that the political race this year is a big deal. And the country so far seems to be pretty split in half between Obama and Romney (nothing is set in stone yet but seeing as it's looking like the GOP candidate is Romney since that's who everyone keeps comparing to Obama) and that seems to be the big question: Will the country vote for a mormon? or are they so stubborn about being against mormons that they'll take a terrible president for a second term? And yes, I said it: OBAMA IS A TERRIBLE PRESIDENT.
Obama is not to blame for the economic recession, as most everyone knows that started happening when President Bush was in office. So to give him the one little credit he barely deserves, it was not Obama's fault for the economy going south. What he is to blame, however, is how he handled trying to fix the problems that were created. Not one thing has he done since he's been in office has improved the economy or the people, or the country. Everyday there are still pan handlers begging for a few dollars, people walking from their houses because they lost their jobs, and millions of others foreclosing. Was that happening before? yes, but is it worse now? of course!! Tell me you don't know of at least one person who has lost their jobs or their homes in the last 4 years! What has he done to fix it? NOTHING!! He gave money to bigger companies to get them out of debt, who just pocketed the money and fired everybody else.
In the segment I watched tonight, there were two things that really really irked me. One, he has stated that President Bush was "unpatriotic", and criticized him for adding $3 trillion dollars to the deficit in his eight years in office. Hmm, Obama, look at yourself! In three years he's added $5 trillion! I think that's significantly more!! and on top of it, he has gone on vacations monthly, including golfing. I don't care if someone has a hobby, but going golfing 97 times in 3 years when your job is to RUN THE COUNTRY, WHICH IS IN SERIOUS TROUBLE AT THE MOMENT, and the boss is out on vacations other week?! I am so glad that my tax payer's dollars are paying for his vacations!! My hard earned money is paying for his golf trips. thank you Mr. President, thank you.
Now here's the real question: do we want another term with this kind of behavior? I know I certainly do not. And this leads me into my next rant: Romney and his religion.
People give Romney such crap and they say his biggest crutch in the elections is "because he's different." Oh I'm sorry, I didn't know being an upstanding citizen, a good husband and father, married to the same woman and devoted to his religion made him so weird. What an evil man! JFK was an active catholic, that didn't make him a bad president did it? Just because Romney is a mormon does not mean he can't be a good president, nor does it mean he's going to force anyone into his religion. Everyone is familiar with mormonism by the missionaries who come knocking on their doors and sharing a message about their religion. When has ANYONE ever been forced to join the mormon church? or any religion for that matter! Jehovah Witnesses have missionaries and they don't force anyone to join their religion right then and there. Just because Latter-Day-Saints are different does not mean they're bad. And if people are worried or curious to the "weird things" we do, just ask! We won't bite, and the church doesn't get paid based on the number of people that attend. Ask any question to any member and they will answer. I know I will answer any question that is asked of me, and I will not condemn for anyone believing something different. In fact, I love that other people have beliefs! Since living in Texas we've been exposed to a lot of different religions, and to see people completely devoted to their beliefs and their religions, I totally respect that!
I'm getting off topic, but the point is, Romney can be a good president if people will look past prejudicism and look at his political background. So far I've been impressed by his work ethic. I'm not saying he's perfect, I'm not saying "Vote for Romney today". I'm just saying give people a chance.
So there it is. I know I opened a huge can of worms and I'm sorry for a boring post, but I couldn't help it. Sometimes you gotta get something off your chest.
But not tonight. Tonight, I watched a segment on Fox News about the elections, and frankly it stirred me up enough to remind me that I have a voice. I have a voice, an opinion, and I will use it, and I don't care who agrees or disagrees or makes fun of me for it. Not to mention I'm super P.O.'d because our AC isn't working and our apartment complex hasn't fixed it, among the six million other things they haven't fixed. So I'm all set for a political rant at the moment.
It's quite obvious that the political race this year is a big deal. And the country so far seems to be pretty split in half between Obama and Romney (nothing is set in stone yet but seeing as it's looking like the GOP candidate is Romney since that's who everyone keeps comparing to Obama) and that seems to be the big question: Will the country vote for a mormon? or are they so stubborn about being against mormons that they'll take a terrible president for a second term? And yes, I said it: OBAMA IS A TERRIBLE PRESIDENT.
Obama is not to blame for the economic recession, as most everyone knows that started happening when President Bush was in office. So to give him the one little credit he barely deserves, it was not Obama's fault for the economy going south. What he is to blame, however, is how he handled trying to fix the problems that were created. Not one thing has he done since he's been in office has improved the economy or the people, or the country. Everyday there are still pan handlers begging for a few dollars, people walking from their houses because they lost their jobs, and millions of others foreclosing. Was that happening before? yes, but is it worse now? of course!! Tell me you don't know of at least one person who has lost their jobs or their homes in the last 4 years! What has he done to fix it? NOTHING!! He gave money to bigger companies to get them out of debt, who just pocketed the money and fired everybody else.
In the segment I watched tonight, there were two things that really really irked me. One, he has stated that President Bush was "unpatriotic", and criticized him for adding $3 trillion dollars to the deficit in his eight years in office. Hmm, Obama, look at yourself! In three years he's added $5 trillion! I think that's significantly more!! and on top of it, he has gone on vacations monthly, including golfing. I don't care if someone has a hobby, but going golfing 97 times in 3 years when your job is to RUN THE COUNTRY, WHICH IS IN SERIOUS TROUBLE AT THE MOMENT, and the boss is out on vacations other week?! I am so glad that my tax payer's dollars are paying for his vacations!! My hard earned money is paying for his golf trips. thank you Mr. President, thank you.
Now here's the real question: do we want another term with this kind of behavior? I know I certainly do not. And this leads me into my next rant: Romney and his religion.
People give Romney such crap and they say his biggest crutch in the elections is "because he's different." Oh I'm sorry, I didn't know being an upstanding citizen, a good husband and father, married to the same woman and devoted to his religion made him so weird. What an evil man! JFK was an active catholic, that didn't make him a bad president did it? Just because Romney is a mormon does not mean he can't be a good president, nor does it mean he's going to force anyone into his religion. Everyone is familiar with mormonism by the missionaries who come knocking on their doors and sharing a message about their religion. When has ANYONE ever been forced to join the mormon church? or any religion for that matter! Jehovah Witnesses have missionaries and they don't force anyone to join their religion right then and there. Just because Latter-Day-Saints are different does not mean they're bad. And if people are worried or curious to the "weird things" we do, just ask! We won't bite, and the church doesn't get paid based on the number of people that attend. Ask any question to any member and they will answer. I know I will answer any question that is asked of me, and I will not condemn for anyone believing something different. In fact, I love that other people have beliefs! Since living in Texas we've been exposed to a lot of different religions, and to see people completely devoted to their beliefs and their religions, I totally respect that!
I'm getting off topic, but the point is, Romney can be a good president if people will look past prejudicism and look at his political background. So far I've been impressed by his work ethic. I'm not saying he's perfect, I'm not saying "Vote for Romney today". I'm just saying give people a chance.
So there it is. I know I opened a huge can of worms and I'm sorry for a boring post, but I couldn't help it. Sometimes you gotta get something off your chest.
Monday, February 13, 2012
Friday, February 10, 2012
Life is always busy!!
Sorry I don't have any pictures to go with the update this time, life's been busy yet not a whole lot happening at the moment. but i'll do my best to entertain y'all. :)
To start off, Rob and I are both back in school! Rob is in math, what a favorite subject :) It's been hard between work and school to balance both but he's been doing it wonderfully! :) I'm so proud of him and all the hard work he's been putting into school. Not to mention being a supervisor at work during a busy season! Being a shipping warehouse supervisor is just another word for "glorified baby-sitter". Unfortunately full grown adults act as childish as a real child, it not more. But he's been doing great and has been shining! The shipping manager has had nothing but good reports about him! I"m so happy and so grateful to have a wonderful and supportive husband! He's been doing a fantastic job working and supporting our family. Way to go sweetie! :)
As for me I finally started personal training school, I've been in it for five weeks and I am LOVING it!! It's everything that I love learning about, plus I get to work out as part of the class/homework :) I can handle this kind of schoolwork! There's still been a lot of homework on the side, mostly a lot of research. What I've come to find out about the health and fitness world is for every subject there's at least five different opinions. Health diets, supplements, fat burners, exercise techniques, you name it. It's very interesting to see how much controversy is out there, but I'm grateful to have this experience to educate myself on these things and to help other people make educated decisions. Although in my opinion, after all the research and study I've done on supplements and food and things, I stand by what I've always said: a NORMAL healthy diet (not a crazy crash diet or fad diets) and regular exercise is the best way to stay healthy and/or lose weight. However, the more intense you work out, the more you lose. Simply walking 3 times a week doesn't do anything, you gotta work for it, and you gotta sweat!! The other challenging part is I am also working on losing weight and getting myself back in shape. Since the surgery I've noticed my stomach muscles have never been the same, so I've been working to get them strengthened again. Needless to say, this will be the second time I will have to work at dropping a few pounds. The good news is, after being at it for 5 weeks, I've dropped at least 6 lbs. and all my pants are getting loose! :) A well balanced diet and exercise REALLY works! I feel healthier and happier and I couldn't love it any more! I know this lifestyle will help me, Rob, our future kids and our families.
well hope that wasn't too boring! If anybody has any questions about health and fitness just holler! In five months I'll be out in the world making a difference! we both are! :)
To start off, Rob and I are both back in school! Rob is in math, what a favorite subject :) It's been hard between work and school to balance both but he's been doing it wonderfully! :) I'm so proud of him and all the hard work he's been putting into school. Not to mention being a supervisor at work during a busy season! Being a shipping warehouse supervisor is just another word for "glorified baby-sitter". Unfortunately full grown adults act as childish as a real child, it not more. But he's been doing great and has been shining! The shipping manager has had nothing but good reports about him! I"m so happy and so grateful to have a wonderful and supportive husband! He's been doing a fantastic job working and supporting our family. Way to go sweetie! :)
As for me I finally started personal training school, I've been in it for five weeks and I am LOVING it!! It's everything that I love learning about, plus I get to work out as part of the class/homework :) I can handle this kind of schoolwork! There's still been a lot of homework on the side, mostly a lot of research. What I've come to find out about the health and fitness world is for every subject there's at least five different opinions. Health diets, supplements, fat burners, exercise techniques, you name it. It's very interesting to see how much controversy is out there, but I'm grateful to have this experience to educate myself on these things and to help other people make educated decisions. Although in my opinion, after all the research and study I've done on supplements and food and things, I stand by what I've always said: a NORMAL healthy diet (not a crazy crash diet or fad diets) and regular exercise is the best way to stay healthy and/or lose weight. However, the more intense you work out, the more you lose. Simply walking 3 times a week doesn't do anything, you gotta work for it, and you gotta sweat!! The other challenging part is I am also working on losing weight and getting myself back in shape. Since the surgery I've noticed my stomach muscles have never been the same, so I've been working to get them strengthened again. Needless to say, this will be the second time I will have to work at dropping a few pounds. The good news is, after being at it for 5 weeks, I've dropped at least 6 lbs. and all my pants are getting loose! :) A well balanced diet and exercise REALLY works! I feel healthier and happier and I couldn't love it any more! I know this lifestyle will help me, Rob, our future kids and our families.
well hope that wasn't too boring! If anybody has any questions about health and fitness just holler! In five months I'll be out in the world making a difference! we both are! :)
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Wow.... too long of a break!!
Our first Christmas on own!! We had ham, baked potatoes, and all the crackers and cheese goodies from Kelley! :) Thanks Kel!
Us crossing the Texas border! My first time setting foot in the Big Horn State!
Our last date night at our old house!
Rob at the Dallas temple. It's so similar to the Boise temple!
Yikes, it's been about 4 months since my last post, sorry guys!! We've been putting off getting internet until now, mostly just didn't want to pay for it, but it's been long enough to where we can't get away with it anymore. so, we have a lot of updating to do!
Well, i guess we should start with the move. It was a VERY long and somewhat boring of a drive but it went well. We left on Friday September 30th and stopped in Salt Lake for Rob's brother's wedding in Bountiful, there we met up with my dad who was thoughtful enough to volunteer to drive the moving truck the whole way. I don't know how he did but we are so grateful he was willing to do that! :) The next trip we went from Salt Lake to Ft. Collins Colorado, which was somewhat of a pretty drive. The next day we went from Ft. Collins to Amarillo, Texas. Let me tell you, it was beautiful all through Colorado until we got to New Mexico. Then it was dead and flat, all through Texas. For those that have never seen Texas, it has NO HILLS, NO MOUNTAINS WHATSOEVER. It kind of hit us then we were going to be living in a completely different part of the country for the next couple years. Thankfully we all made it safely to Dallas and unloaded everything into our small but cozy 1 bedroom apartment. It was difficult going from a 3 bedroom house to that, but since we've gotten used to it, and with some decorating and love we've managed to make a home out of it.
Well, we've officially been here 3 1/2 months now, so far things are doing pretty good. It was pretty tough at first. There was some/still some homesickness, and when I started work we had to work opposite shifts since Rob is in a leadership position. It seemed bearable until we hit Christmas season, then we had to work about 60 hrs a week, and saw each other maybe a total of 45 minutes for the whole week. For those of you who have worked opposite hours, or spouses who are in the army or work out of state and see each other every few months, I don't know how you do it, but I admire you! It was hard enough for the 3-4 weeks!! But, lucky for us, we were done by Christmas Eve, and after Christmas I only had to work one more day, Rob 2, and then we spent the next 11 days together, 5 of those on our wonderful cruise to Mexico!! So, moral of the story is, things turned out pretty good I think. :) Now we're just back getting in the groove, and I finally started school at the National Personal training Institute!!! Finally after 2 years of planning and wanting to finish, I finally get to start doing what I love most: exercising and learning to teach others to get in shape and feel good about themselves! :) So worth the wait.
Rob's still working full time at Scentsy while I work part time, so we have evenings together now. Things have slowed quite a bit but we're sure it'll pick up beginning of February. Rob stays busy with work but he's doing a great job!! He's learning lots and really becoming a great leader. It's great he'll be able to apply his skills wherever he decides to go from here.
Wow, I think that's it for now!! Again sorry it was so long in between posts but now we have internet i'll keep better updated!
Love the Rogalsky's
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
We have an apartment!!
Well I haven't updated in a while, but there's not much to update just yet, but here's our latest news. We found an apartment! :) It's a small 1 bedroom/bathroom in Irving, which isn't too far from Coppell. It's small but it's actually quite nice, and dang cheaper than everything else we've looked at. Rob's also been working on opening the new warehouse this week. They wanted to officially open yesterday, but it was one headache after another and long days. They don't have all the equipment they need yet and they're still working out all the "new building" kinks. He's been working hard though, what a trooper! :) At least it's cooled down from 100+ to like, 90.... well at least it's better.
As for me, it's been a lot of cleaning packing, packing and cleaning....mostly packing for now, but it's progress. I've also been working on organizing a group to help us re-sod our front yard, we'll take pictures (if I can find it, I think Rob has it in Texas), but anyway, it's been quite the process but things are coming together. We are officially leaving Boise September 29!! :) stay updated for pictures!! :)
As for me, it's been a lot of cleaning packing, packing and cleaning....mostly packing for now, but it's progress. I've also been working on organizing a group to help us re-sod our front yard, we'll take pictures (if I can find it, I think Rob has it in Texas), but anyway, it's been quite the process but things are coming together. We are officially leaving Boise September 29!! :) stay updated for pictures!! :)
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